Personal agency - APPLEBRIGHT COACHING

5th September 202222nd November 2022

Fear of not being in control is natural, but how can you overcome it?

How often do you feel stressed by the fact that you can’t control something or its outcome? Your 6 point plan will make a positive difference.

Feeling desperate image when you cannot get in control and it causes anxiety. Holding up a help sign — **The feeling of loss of control is painful!**

The sense that you need to gain control of an issue but cannot do so is all consuming and dominates every thought when it takes hold of you. As desperate as these feelings are, there are solutions that are in your control.

This feeling is painful because it is based on fear
This feeling is painful because we are not the best version of ourselves when it takes hold
This feeling is painful because it creates an anxiety to control things beyond the original issue

When we feel this way a huge part of us knows that we are potentially being self-indulgent, we feel that others just don’t understand why gaining this control is so all consuming. This means that we can’t possibly rest until we have forced ourselves onto our perception of the solution.

But just hang on a moment, be a little kinder to yourself before you start to rethink your process of taking control. This article includes some tips and a 6 point plan to get in front of this painful emotion.

So how does this pain feel when you fear the lack of control?

This fear of losing control means that we are certain something is about to get out of hand and almost impulsively we start to try to grapple for control. Our instinct to protect is as natural to us as holding our breath when we go underwater. A broad array of fears takes over and they are all such difficult feelings that our instinctive brain seeks to avoid them and forces us to behave to protect. These feelings may include hopelessness, powerlessness, despair, rage, grief and loneliness.

It is the fear of feeling our instinctive emotion in an unbearable way that again harkens back to the human instinct to survive at any cost and to stay alive. We project this fear onto others in a doomed to fail effort to prevent those awful feelings and that projection comes in the form of trying to take control over the outcome. It is important to understand this better, this cognitive recognition means that :-

We see that this is a natural instinct
We start to understand it better
We start to demystify it
We start to believe and accept that we can gain a sense of personal agency

This feeling is also the root of why so many people fear change on an almost visceral level and for leaders and people going through change it can be liberating to understand this fear. We are then able to identify what this feeling is and take charge of ourselves and find our ways of understanding that our chimp brain can be corrected through rational thought processes.

Adult hand holding a child's hand summoning up images of how we often find that our need to control is instinctive from childhood — **Our vulnerability causes our need to control**

Why is this so important now?

The reason that understanding this now is so important is that post covid and at a time of economic crisis there is a great sense of uncertainty and a great sense of the loss of all our norms. The so-called ‘new normal’ often does not feel normal in any sense to us. These events mean that those that feel this anxiety are likely to attempt to gain control even more, they feel disenfranchised unless they get in control.

For us to be able to do well, to be successful and to be happy as these challenges are upon us as a society and as individuals then finding a way of navigating these negative emotions is important. This means that using these tools to think differently about the process of gaining control will enable us to handle change, to embrace opportunity and really start dealing with this issue here and now.

The avoidance of this behaviour will also lead to us having better relationships with those around us because the very process of gaining control can create conflict or at the very least resentment in others who are unfortunate enough to come across us on our ‘controlling’ mission!

Help is on the way, needing to stay in control is perfectly normal!

When we have this instinct to maintain the status quo and to avoid our feared inevitable destiny by taking back control, we are simply responding to our natural human instinct and also to the natural way that our brain works. The reason that we naturally do this is that from our early childhood we interpret change as uncertainty and in that state there is danger to our life. It is about our instinct to survive. It is said that 5 times every second our brain tries to assess if what we are doing and where we are is safe, if not we start to protect and disengage. This happens subconsciously as well as at a conscious level.

Why not check how you measure up on this fear?

If you try the link below you will see a brief questionnaire that will allow you to place a gauge of exactly where your focus is in terms of these fears taking control over you. This test allows you to see if you have a tendency toward an external locus of control, this means that you will be routinely worrying about aspects that you cannot influence in any way. If you have an internal locus of control then you are much less likely to behave the way that this article describes. It is a really useful process to try before you start the 6 point plan.

Your quick control checker – https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_90.htm

Demonstrates how having an internal locus of control is positive and lists the ways this is so versus an external locus which is when we feel disempowered — **Where is your locus of control?**

So what can you do to change your fear of losing control? Circles will do it!

This pattern of behaviour that almost constantly can create white noise in our lives can be avoided, it can be controlled by us. It really is possible to reframe the things that trigger us to try to feel back in control and as a habit that we learn we can grow to decrease our fears.

Shows how you can dispose of these fears of a lack of control like burning a post it note — **We really can leave this fear behind with a new approach!**

The start of this process is to ask yourself what things you honestly truly can control rather than merely influence or worry about. Some of this thinking was put out there initially by Steven Covey in ‘The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People’. In this book he considered circles of concern and circles of influence, and this has been taken further with another circle, the circle of control.

This is a fabulous way that we can differentiate between what issues might be going on in general (concern) or in some very specific cases such as improving our wellbeing through exercise, diet, positive thinking and creating more time for ourselves (control). What will typically happen without being able to apply this technique is that we may find ourselves worrying about all things and attempting to gain control over all of them.

When we discover that we cannot gain that control we may experience very specific anxieties about these issues and in the process of trying to gain control we cause damage to ourselves, waste our time, we waste our energy and there is a good likelihood that we will damage our relationships with family, friends, colleagues and potentially in a business environment, we will do damage to our business, organisation or team.

This image demonstrates how the circle of control is what you control versus matters you may influence versus matters that are a concern but you have no control in truth so worry less about them

The basis of this model is that we can disentangle all of those fears, worries and psychoses into a process where we narrow down from concerns, to issues we may have an influence over to the final matters that we alone truly have complete control over.

By doing this and by really focusing positively on letting those concerns go in terms of believing our personal mission here and now is to control such issues then we better understand our circle of concern pain points. If we then focus on being positive about where we may have an influence only and understand fully to what extent that is possible then our approach to our circle of influence can become more realistic and less fraught with anxiety.

This then allows us to truly focus our energy on what we can directly control, this then become fruitful and enables a more balanced and wellbeing driven series of actions that we learn and can repeat. This approach means that then we lighten our load of stress and worry and we prevent our natural human brain from attempting to control concerns, influence and control areas. This is a way of truly giving ourselves the energy to make a difference where we can and to give ourselves a holiday from trying to control what cannot be controlled and all of the negative consequences that this causes.

What might a typical circles of concern/influence/control chart look like for you?

This process can be done with a little time and patience to start to map the issues that trouble us into the three circles. It will be unique for each of us and it demands absolute honesty with ourselves. This is something that we are doing for ourselves and in many senses this supports us to have an internal locus of control that leads to better wellbeing, to a greater sense of personal agency and to the avoidance of the waste of energy stressing about the non-controllables.

An example of the types of issues that may appear in the circles of concern, of influence and of control — **This demonstrates how clearly much of what creates our anxiety cannot be ‘controlled’**

Try this to tackle your loss of control feeling – your 6 point plan

A poster for printing in which you can place your own post it notes

Print out the blank circles of control poster above, this will allow you to start the process to consider your mindset on what you feel is a concern, what you have influence over or what issues you have complete control over.
Make sure you are in a place where you can think and won’t be disturbed, this should definitely be a little time away from the white noise that you are putting to one side just for you.
Ensure that you have some post it notes, or similar and write down the things that occur to you as concerns to you, these will be the things that have been troubling you over time and you will find it eye-opening just to write them down and to see them together. Place them inside / around your circle of concern circle.
Prepare yourself for this list because seeing the issues together can be overwhelming but remember this process is about navigating a way to see these issues in a more philosophical way.
Now, your next stage, look at your concerns again and looking at the example above try to see if any of those notes can be placed into the circles of influence or control. Controlling is a high bar though as they are entirely in your control to be placed there.
Challenge yourself on those matters that are in the Concern circle, check if there is a way that you might be able to gain some influence. This might be covering issues such as tricky colleague, manager or friend relationships, but through a third party route you may be able to build some bridges, in which case this will be able to move this issue to your Circle of Influence. Think about ways you might be able to influence the things that are still in your Circle of Concern.
So at this point, having truly exhausted what can be moved to the Circle of Concern and Circle of Control you now have your final list. Write them up from the post it notes or type them if you are creating a digital copy. I would recommend that you save the document on your phone or mobile device as a photo or PDF so that you can refer to them when you have feelings of growing anxiety about your feelings of a lack of control. Remember these key FACTS:-

Areas of Concern – If you look at your areas of concern that you may have been taking so personally in the past and may have been exacerbating your anxiety, in fact in truth you have no ability to influence or control them. Your values and beliefs are a huge part of your strengths and so it is ok to consider wider society issues without them dominating you and in so doing find a new found freedom. Remember they may also sit alongside other realities that are not influenceable by you such as the weather. Puts the worries into context doesn’t it?

Areas of Influence – So these sat amongst the whole range of issues that were stressing you and often meant that you felt high frustration and to a certain extent not able to clearly see what to do about them. Now in fact through this process you recognise that you cannot control them, but with some tact and diplomacy and with a plan you can get some influence over them. In many ways this is cathartic, it gives you a release and leaves you feeling that you can be more proactive in dealing with the issues themselves without feeling abject fear and the need to over-respond in gaining full personal control.

Areas of Control – so these are those that you can legitimately say are entirely your responsibility and do not rely on third parties. This will be a small list but understanding it allows you to only feel responsible for a much smaller number of issues. This hands more control to you as you focus your proactive energy at what really matters and recognising these three types of issue supports your sense of wellbeing too.

This 6 step process will give you a plan that truly demonstrates to you how you break down the myriad of worries and concerns that have been causing sleepless nights into a manageable format in which you can remind yourself how to interact with them and what you can truly control.

So, give this a go and see what differences it makes for you

As a coach I am very well aware just how common these feelings are and they can be affecting you as you read this, you may know someone else who suffers from this anxiety or you may be a manager or leader who see this in your team members. Please share these thoughts and ideas and see if they can make the difference.

https://applebrightcoaching.co.uk/welcome/contact/

19th July 202222nd November 2022

Professional Pragmatism

When simply being you may need nuancing!

**Reflecting on new ways to function well and influence your work culture**

Do you sometimes find that there are times when your desire to achieve something or to even hold a good and open conversation in the workplace is compromised by organisational culture and individuals in that culture and does this disappoint or frustrate you?

This can lead to a feeling of personal frustration where you feel compelled to be true to yourself or perhaps even more deeply, due to jarring with your long held values, the outcome can become conflict or disassociation from your organisation. Leadership theorists would state that true leadership requires you as an individual to always tackle this situation through challenge, to walk your values every day. However, professional pragmatism and Machiavelli can equip you with a real world view and with an empowering solution to this dilemma.

Machiavelli suggested the potential to adopt a different route to managing such a situation. Adopting professional pragmatism, a sense of wisdom about the way your organisation functions practically or through entrenched culture, may lead you to deal with such compromises differently. This may also allow you to exercise different leadership skills to negotiate and influence a solution. Negotiating and influencing is a recognised means to reaching mutual solutions that are successful. This solution may be imperfect in leadership theory but adopting the realism of the culture you work within will achieve results and importantly avoid the head on collision that you may feel that can cause catastrophic disillusionment leading to you seeking other employment or to finding yourself in a destructive conflict in any case. This approach can then be better seen as influencing and changing culture from the inside.

**Values make us and they can change culture positively**

Machiavelli is often associated with dark practices but this aspect of achieving ambitions and objectives through pragmatic means is often overlooked as a viable and successful means to keep personal control and to achieve results in the real world. Another way of potentially viewing this is the concept of not trying to ‘win every battle’ but rather look to the longer term in order to nuance your leadership influence. Ultimately, success has many facets and by maintaining working relationships, reaching a team based practical solution then the longer term success of an individual and the wellbeing flowing from that may potentially demonstrate greater maturity and less naivety.

The theory on professional pragmatism

Badaracco is a contemporary academic who has written on this subject. He has taught this subject for some time at Harvard and describes the awareness that this approach almost represents a ‘worldview’ which can function in the reality of the imperfect workplace. This of course does not deny circumstances in which compromise may not be acceptable and a stand should be made for several different reasons.

Occasionally, this thinking allows the notion that the pursuit of all values and personal aims and objectives might be viewed as idealistic or naïve and that the truth in an imperfect world might be as challenging as ‘what if there is no right answer?’. This may mean that the right answer is the one that best accords with organisational values and the circumstances prevailing at that exact time to achieve the best outcome possible at that moment. This also recognises that changing an embedded culture cannot be achieved overnight and requires careful work to influence.

Leadership is a struggle by flawed human beings to make some important values real and effective in the world as it is
Joseph Badaracco, Harvard.

Self-limiting beliefs and coaching

A fundamental role for an executive or business coach is to engage with their client and to assist them without leading them to find positive solutions and to be able to ‘unblock’ any of the issues that may be preventing them from being their better selves. An aspect of this is to challenge and explore any self-limiting beliefs that might be expressed by clients. These can originate from a range of diverse sources such as childhood, interpretation of learning or life experience amongst many. The individual can start to assume these self-limiting beliefs are unassailable facts over time and they become custom and practice. One such self-limiting belief might be a literal martyrdom to feeling that values must always be unswervingly followed and that there can be no successful personal or professional relationship had with those that do not exactly share those values. This can create an environment of winning and losing for the holder of this self-limiting belief and leading to a belief that true self-worth comes from being the source of knowledge that guides others. In some senses this can become egotistical or judgmental to the casual observer yet to the individual practicing such self-limiting beliefs in fact it feels righteous and true.

**Coaching can support you to express values differently and better**

Having a sense of personal ‘agency’

In mythology, the ‘Fates’ are a group of three weaving goddesses who assign individual destinies to mortals at birth. The Fates were Clotho (the Spinner), Lachesis (the Allotter) and Atropos (the Inflexible). It is possible that in waging a direct battle on individuals in an embedded culture that Atropos is the one to blame for leading the actions of the individual. However, I would like to suggest something more updated on this internal conflict, the idea of ‘agency’. Wanting to be ‘me’ regardless of the consequences shows a lack of faith in personal agency.

So what is agency? It is the ability to take action or to choose what action to take, to influence your own life, to change your own thoughts and to have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency is also associated with being able to take responsibility for your actions and having an ‘internal locus of control’ over what happens.

Of course there are many things outside of our control. We may think that we should be 6’4” and look just like Brad Pitt, or have a wonderfully slim body, long flowing hair and look like Scarlett Johansson but such dreams are outside of our control, and as such we should focus on ‘controlling the controllables’. This means that you can acknowledge a different way to influence the jarring of personal values with embedded organisational culture. One of the things you can control is that moment when you say: ‘This is who I am. I’m me. What do I do about this situation?’

**Being true to yourself but thinking differently retains personal agency**

When simply being you may need nuancing!

In their soon to be released marketing book, ‘Just Evil Enough’, the authors, Alistair Croll and Emily Ross talk about how a successful marketeer of the future needs to be prepared to “subvert systems to create attention that can be turned into profitable demand”.

My contention here is that this thinking is relevant to how we view ourselves and the choices that we make to tackle situations and to achieve what we want to. In other words, how we achieve a sense of agency, of controlling our controllables, and tackle some professional dilemmas with pragmatism. This allows us as individuals to turn subverting systems around and to point that insight to ourselves, rather than the market. So what could subverting your usual way of seeing a values based dilemma look like? This may mean demonstrating the bravery to step outside of your known mediums to find new, creative and more challenging ways to think.

The authors propose that to do this effectively then our traditional normative thinking must be replaced by more radical formative thinking in which norms are challenged. This may include the limitations of our own ego, unconscious bias, our desire to be heard and of course our desire to be right.

If we simply respond to our ego and its need to just be us then this may result in us reacting instantly to our fight or flight instinct. This inevitably limits us, may create a bias in our judgement and propel us to think we are right without mounting a challenge to react and respond differently. Remember therefore by using professional pragmatism, by subverting our thoughts that we can be much more than our thoughts. In these circumstances when we gain agency and control, when we do more than react to our instinctive deeper self, then we instantly create a different dynamic, try it, it may change your career.

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